Talent I wish I had

In the past I've written about how I wish I was artistic. I would give my left boob to be able to sit down and hours later have a master piece. Of even something just remotely cute. On the other hand, I hate to be one of those girls that picks up a digital camera, takes a few pictures, edits the CRAP out of them on their free photo editor on the computer and then thinks they are a photographer. I am so NOT one of those girls. Or boys for that matter. I just have this inner desire to have some sort of artistic ability. Of which I have very little. But needless to say, I like to take pictures anyway. Especially of the kids.

So today was the first day of camp for the girls (YAY!!!!!!!!) and as we were patiently waiting at the front door for the bus to come, I took advantage of the camera to try and milk a little creativeness out of my bones. I'll let you be the judge. If they are the worst things ever so be it. But here it is....

They get their beauty from their mother.

Lightening 'Queen is so ballsy

My little pony while we wait

Ready to go...

Savilla and Nate seeing the girls off.

Off they go!

Batteries

One of the best parts of being with kids all day is that the simplest task can make you a hero. Tying a shoe. Retrieving toilet paper, and especially replacing dead batteries. You would think that batteries were like diamonds in their coveted-ness in our house.

Batteries make everything better;

toy not working as well as it used to? New batteries!

Voice box on a toy gone out? New batteries!

Cranky and exhausted nanny? New batteries! (ha! I wish)

How many things in our lives do we view as "new batteries" a quick change and then it'll be good again. Back to what we experienced when things were new and shiney and yet to let us down. I know I'm guilty of that quite a lot. Maybe this apology will be it. Maybe this time so and so will stop being a total jack hole and treat me the way I deserve. Maybe I won't be blamed for everything anymore and I'll for once be happy with myself. Its a long road to realize that there is never a quick fix.

Things don't get better over night and there is no such thing as "New batteries!" in life. I wish there was. Sometimes I wish I could just take a screw driver and after multiple failed attempts (because lets be honest, I have no idea how to use a screw driver.) get the back open to realize "HEY! This boy just has a dead battery. Turns out he does know how to play nice!" Turns out some are just rotten to the core. Some just don't have a good bone in their body. Same goes for girls. Some are mean. Some don't have your best interest at heart and no matter how many times they make you cry it'll never get better.

That being said, there's no reason to fret. Just as not everyone is good, not everyone is bad either. Heck, I'm out there, being nice, going the extra mile, smiling. There's got to be more like me right? People who see others who are hurting and want to make it better. Want to fix it.

Thats my problem. I want so badly to replace batteries for people. I want to swoop in, unscrew that back, replace the thing that is broken and send them on their way. Smiling. Knowing that someone is happier because of something I could do for them.

I think thats where I get hung up on Preston. I put in so much effort. Forgave so much, hoping that someday I'd see him happy and know that maybe I was a part of that. That I had replaced his dead battery. But I couldn't. I didn't have the right size. I was all out. And just like replacing a dead battery is the best feeling in my job, one of the worst is having to unscrew that back, open it up, and realize you don't have the right size, only to screw it back up still not working and try to explain to that crest fallen 2 year old face and say "Sorry buddy. I can't do it."

So to those in my life I couldn't fix, because thats just not how life works....

Sorry buddy. I can't do it.

You don't know me...

I hate that lately I've struggled blogging. I feel so one dimensional when I can't muster enough creativity to write a witty enough post to feel proud of. I know my strengths and my weaknesses and I'm ok with that but I also work really hard to improve my weaknesses so that maybe one day I can switch them to the other column.

I'm very left brain oriented. My major is math for heavens sake. I'm ok with that. I've embraced it. But I envy right brained people. I would give my left big toe to be able to sit down and create something. I've loved many right brained people in my life and they have always been the ones to leave the strongest impact. This blog is my attempt to try and be a little more right brained. Its pathetic to say the least but I digress...

My trip home was fantastic. I saw my family, some old friends, and made a few new ones as well. I was glad to come home, but I also realized I'm missing something from my life here on the east coast. Or maybe I should say someone.

I'm great on my own. I'm fiercely independent and stubborn. I hate being told what to do, or better yet,what NOT to do. But I've been lonely. Caring the weight of my job, school, and being away from home has left me a little weary. I'm not about to settle, or even go out of my way to find someone, but I'm not as closed off to the idea and I was a year ago. Or even a month ago.

Again, I'm reminded that I'm ever changing. I was so certain after Preston that I was done and that I needed none of it, it wasn't in my "plan" thus it wasn't on my mind. But maybe I've become too bitter and cold hearted. Maybe I've become my worst enemy. Someone incapable of being loved. I don't want to be that. I may not be able to love, but I'd love for someone to love me. Then maybe I'd soften a bit.

There is one thing that hasn't changed. I thrive off travel. I need to go on an adventure. I need to get out and experience something new, push the limits. I need to be uncomfortable. What better time to do that then in the summer?

My weekends just got busy.

Any ideas? I'm open to anything....

Another sunny place, I’m lucky, I know. But I wanna go home.

Well. I've been on a roll. I know its been a while. I can't say I haven't tried though. I've written out and eventually deleted many a post since the last one. But I'm unsure of how to recover from that. I wish I could write a post all about how since that day things have only gotten better, and I'm back to loving every bit of life, and that I'm on cloud nine. But alas, I am not. Things got a little bit more rough. But isn't that how life goes? It's gotta get worse before it can get better? Well I'm ready... and waiting...

This semester is almost over, my last final is tomorrow. (thank goodness) And then I get to go home. I get to hug my mom, kiss my dad, laugh with my sisters, catch up with old friends, and eat more good food then I can even mention. Something I've been needing a lot of. Its not that I don't have friends here (I have a few good ones, and they know who they are) or a family (I live with an amazing family. Something I could not have chosen better) and Jersey does have its good eats, but theres just something about the originals.

I've been here a year now, (it was actually before my last post but apparently I was a bit preoccupied and forgot to mention it) A lot of crazy things have happened it that year, I moved out here dating someone I thought I would never say goodbye to, now I have no idea where he is. I had a solid idea of a future career that I've changed to something not entirely too different but different none the less.

Its been a good year. I am happy. I'm so glad that I made the decision to move out here, regardless of the underlying motivations. And I know I'll love it more after a few days needed at home. I'll be ready to come back and conquer it all over again.

So heres to rolling with the punches, and knowing that this too shall pass.

Summer is almost here, and if you know anything about me, its that I thrive so much more in warm weather.

Oh heEEEEey

So maybe I should first explain my title. Its my way of saying, Hey to also remind you how much you love me and how you shouldn't judge for my lack of interesting blog posts. (My 2 1/2 readers, don't hate)

I've been in SUCH a funk lately. I don't know what my problem is. I've been moody, cranky, easily annoyed and I just don't have the energy to deal with ANYONE. Except the kids. I always love the kids, tonight I laid in bed with Nate until he fell asleep just because I wanted to snuggle and then I stayed a bit longer. I need to figure my shit out (excuse the language. It just felt appropriate in this situation) I have been incredibly home sick. For my family. I'll be ok. I keep telling myself.

I'm starting to work towards being happy with myself again. I let someone into my life briefly and for some reason I have been damaged since. Damaged as in, summer of 2005, and if you know anything about me then that is NOT a good. Like I said. I'm working on it.

*warning. dramatic paragraph approaching. Feel free to skip. I won't be offended*

This post isn't for anyone. Its for myself. Its to get some stuff out and to hopefully purge out some of this negative energy thats been swirling around me lately.

I have never before met someone that has been so poisonous to my life in such a short time. Someone who came in and exploded like a bomb leaving nothing but shrapnel. I feel ill thinking about the amount of energy I have spent on this person. The smallest inkling of feelings I felt make me sick. I can't wait until this is a distant memory.

*dramatic paragraph over*

Anyway. I'm still here. Still kicking. Anticipating summer and itching to wear summer clothes.

Miss you all.

Ugh. Grrr. RAWR!

So, its been a while since I've taken the time to vent. Bitch. Moan. So here ya go!

I learned something in my communications class this week (I actually learned something at the two bit school I go to. CRAZY!) I don't think it was even necessarily (hard as I try I don't think I will ever learn how to spell that word without the help of spell check.) part of the class itself or just my teacher giving us a life lesson because he was bugged by another student. But he informed us that in life, never give advice unless it is asked for. Oh how true that is. Since then, I have noticed more and more the agitation I feel when people give me unsolicited advice.

I try hard to smile through it and try and change the subject but some people just don't take the hint. Earlier today I was having a conversation with an acquaintance, (another word that is beyond my spelling capabilities) not even a friend. Just someone I went on one date with a million months ago and never saw again because he was kind of an ass. So he was prying inquiring about my school and my major, and then proceeded to tell me to change my major. To something somewhat similar to my current major, but something I would never be able to do, nor enjoy. I just know myself well enough. Hence the reason I choose the major I did.

Why did he feel like he knew me well enough to give me such advice? Where was it portrayed by me that I would be interested in such advice? Because he has worked in a school for the last 5 minutes he feels so inclined to tell me to CHANGE my major. Ha. And he was a photography major. Chump.

I think I'll stick to my totally practical and in demand major and you keep doing what you're doing, D-bag, and why don't you keep your advice for someone who asks for it, or even for someone who can stand you.

Holy Moly!

Whoa! Where have I been you ask? Off having the best life ever. Or something like that. Four days after my last post my best friend Chelsey came into town.

And then that week I had two tests for school, Nate got sick, and we had to pack and get everything ready for our trip. So I was a bit busy you could say. But anyway. I'm back, I'm settled and our trip was fantastic. The weather was beautiful and the company was spectacular.

I could go into detail about what we did, but I just don't have the energy today, and seeing as how most of my readership is from my facebook friends, you've seen all the pictures anyway.

So a few days after we got back, as a bonus for all the hard work we did in Jamaica. Jonathan and Savilla bought Chelsey and I tickets to go see The Book of Mormon Musical. The funniest thing I have ever seen. Its not for the faint of heart, or the easily offended. It definitely pushes the envelope on a lot of religious lines but I thought it was very well done and I appreciated all the humor.

It made me take stock of my life though. Where I've been and who I've become in the 5 1/2 years since graduating high school and making the decision that religion wasn't for me.

Often times I wonder if my family saw it coming, if as a child I showed signs of non interest. Or if it was seen as a rash quick decision. Either way, I'm not foolish enough to think that that choice hasn't hurt many, my parents included. I hope by now we've reached a mutual respect and that they know that I love them immensely despite the fact that I no longer go to church.

I have so much respect for most members of the church. I think it takes a lot of discipline and hard work; and to be able to say that you believe in something so much that you are willing to follow some pretty tough rules is honorable in my eyes.

Every now and then I get to feeling really homesick. It often occurs when things are going right and I'm really happy. I miss having my family around to see how happy I am. I ache for them to see how I've grown and matured and I want so desperately for them to be proud of me. I think they are, even with my short comings. I know I'm proud of them.

So basically this post is to say that I'm REALLY happy, and thus, really homesick.