Oh heEEEEey

So maybe I should first explain my title. Its my way of saying, Hey to also remind you how much you love me and how you shouldn't judge for my lack of interesting blog posts. (My 2 1/2 readers, don't hate)

I've been in SUCH a funk lately. I don't know what my problem is. I've been moody, cranky, easily annoyed and I just don't have the energy to deal with ANYONE. Except the kids. I always love the kids, tonight I laid in bed with Nate until he fell asleep just because I wanted to snuggle and then I stayed a bit longer. I need to figure my shit out (excuse the language. It just felt appropriate in this situation) I have been incredibly home sick. For my family. I'll be ok. I keep telling myself.

I'm starting to work towards being happy with myself again. I let someone into my life briefly and for some reason I have been damaged since. Damaged as in, summer of 2005, and if you know anything about me then that is NOT a good. Like I said. I'm working on it.

*warning. dramatic paragraph approaching. Feel free to skip. I won't be offended*

This post isn't for anyone. Its for myself. Its to get some stuff out and to hopefully purge out some of this negative energy thats been swirling around me lately.

I have never before met someone that has been so poisonous to my life in such a short time. Someone who came in and exploded like a bomb leaving nothing but shrapnel. I feel ill thinking about the amount of energy I have spent on this person. The smallest inkling of feelings I felt make me sick. I can't wait until this is a distant memory.

*dramatic paragraph over*

Anyway. I'm still here. Still kicking. Anticipating summer and itching to wear summer clothes.

Miss you all.

Ugh. Grrr. RAWR!

So, its been a while since I've taken the time to vent. Bitch. Moan. So here ya go!

I learned something in my communications class this week (I actually learned something at the two bit school I go to. CRAZY!) I don't think it was even necessarily (hard as I try I don't think I will ever learn how to spell that word without the help of spell check.) part of the class itself or just my teacher giving us a life lesson because he was bugged by another student. But he informed us that in life, never give advice unless it is asked for. Oh how true that is. Since then, I have noticed more and more the agitation I feel when people give me unsolicited advice.

I try hard to smile through it and try and change the subject but some people just don't take the hint. Earlier today I was having a conversation with an acquaintance, (another word that is beyond my spelling capabilities) not even a friend. Just someone I went on one date with a million months ago and never saw again because he was kind of an ass. So he was prying inquiring about my school and my major, and then proceeded to tell me to change my major. To something somewhat similar to my current major, but something I would never be able to do, nor enjoy. I just know myself well enough. Hence the reason I choose the major I did.

Why did he feel like he knew me well enough to give me such advice? Where was it portrayed by me that I would be interested in such advice? Because he has worked in a school for the last 5 minutes he feels so inclined to tell me to CHANGE my major. Ha. And he was a photography major. Chump.

I think I'll stick to my totally practical and in demand major and you keep doing what you're doing, D-bag, and why don't you keep your advice for someone who asks for it, or even for someone who can stand you.

Holy Moly!

Whoa! Where have I been you ask? Off having the best life ever. Or something like that. Four days after my last post my best friend Chelsey came into town.

And then that week I had two tests for school, Nate got sick, and we had to pack and get everything ready for our trip. So I was a bit busy you could say. But anyway. I'm back, I'm settled and our trip was fantastic. The weather was beautiful and the company was spectacular.

I could go into detail about what we did, but I just don't have the energy today, and seeing as how most of my readership is from my facebook friends, you've seen all the pictures anyway.

So a few days after we got back, as a bonus for all the hard work we did in Jamaica. Jonathan and Savilla bought Chelsey and I tickets to go see The Book of Mormon Musical. The funniest thing I have ever seen. Its not for the faint of heart, or the easily offended. It definitely pushes the envelope on a lot of religious lines but I thought it was very well done and I appreciated all the humor.

It made me take stock of my life though. Where I've been and who I've become in the 5 1/2 years since graduating high school and making the decision that religion wasn't for me.

Often times I wonder if my family saw it coming, if as a child I showed signs of non interest. Or if it was seen as a rash quick decision. Either way, I'm not foolish enough to think that that choice hasn't hurt many, my parents included. I hope by now we've reached a mutual respect and that they know that I love them immensely despite the fact that I no longer go to church.

I have so much respect for most members of the church. I think it takes a lot of discipline and hard work; and to be able to say that you believe in something so much that you are willing to follow some pretty tough rules is honorable in my eyes.

Every now and then I get to feeling really homesick. It often occurs when things are going right and I'm really happy. I miss having my family around to see how happy I am. I ache for them to see how I've grown and matured and I want so desperately for them to be proud of me. I think they are, even with my short comings. I know I'm proud of them.

So basically this post is to say that I'm REALLY happy, and thus, really homesick.

If you were right and I was wrong? Why are you the one who's gone And I'm still here?

I wake up everyday with the thought that my life can't get any better. I've spent the last 10 months living in a place I love (you don't get sick of hearing about it right? good.) I'm back in school, albeit a frustrating school but, I'm working towards a degree none the less. And I have a good solid small circle of friends.

But sometimes I reminisce. Who doesn't? Sometimes I miss the snowy mountains in July. Sometimes I miss my friends. And sometimes.... most times... I miss my family. I can handle all of that. Those things can be solved, temporarily, I can go back and see all of those things and then remember how much I miss New Jersey.

What I truly hate about life is the missing of people, places, and things that I can't solve. My life isn't the same as its ever been. I never expected it to be. But I miss somethings. I miss who people used to be. I miss the comfortable routines I used to have, that ironically drove me to moving away. The change I seem to always be craving has, for the moment, subsided. But now that I'm settled and not itching to get away, I've realized that I've experienced things in my life without *really* experiencing them.

How many late nights and talks have I blown through with friends all the while wishing I was somewhere else? How many memories do I now look back on with longing and realize that at the time I was miserably taking it all for granted?

I don't know if I'm the only person who does this, (I hope not) but what is it that makes that occur? What in my head thinks... If I can just do "x" with "y" then I'll truly be happy. If I can just get through "a" amount of months and finally be "b" then I can relax and enjoy the things around me. I'm not exactly sure. How many of those moments were at one point something I was striving for, and then when I reached them my mind and want had moved on to bigger and better desires.

I know that that quality has been the main drive in my life to work as hard as I have and to obtain the things I have, but have I truly experienced the moments along the way? I'm not sure. I hope so.

Otherwise all this missing is for not. And that... would be truly heart breaking.

Dear Utah,

I know I haven't been the best lately. I've said some hurtful, mean things. And I've been ungrateful. But I do miss you. I do appreciate the role you played in my life and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. You'll always be home to me.

Love, Laycee

Tonight I'm loving you

Well, I wrote my last post on the mend from a nasty cold, and then this warm beautiful weather hit and so did allergies, and so continues my running nose and cough. With all the wet grass in the air it was bound to happen, but I'll welcome allergies any day of the week if it means warm weather and not so much gross black snow on the ground. Black snow. One more thing we never had in Utah. It never stayed around long enough for it turn any other color (unless a dog got ahold of it.) here has not been the case. I'm sure it there was a way to tell, the snow sitting on the ground under the layers of grit and dirt would be from about January 1st. I kid you not.

So for so long I was on this single girl kick. I loved being single. I loved my life, and I was sooo happy. And then it hit. Like a nasty germ. Grasped real hard and wont let go. Ok. So maybe all of that was a bit dramatic. But I have a crush. Not a large one. Not one that I plan to do anything about, but a fun one. I'm not pushing it and I'm not digging because that just causes issues that I'd rather avoid. So for now I'll just giggle like a little school girl.

In the mean time I'm in the full swing of school and loving it. I wish my classes were a tad bit more challenging but now that I've put that in writing I may later regret it. I have to park in the furthest remote parking that they offer so I get in a good mile walk everyday, (1/2 mile each way). They offer a shuttle but I find I feel better about myself when I walk and get the fresh air and exercise.

I realize this blog may be a bit on the boring side. I guess thats what happens when you lead a simple boring life.

I do have just one gripe. Texting at all hours of the night. The other night I went on a terrible date. It was awful. I can't even begin expressing how bad it was. And we both left it at "bye", no one mentioning maybe doing it again. I was perfectly content with that.

And then the other night at 3:20 am. Lets all go back and make sure we read that right.... 3:20 AM! (I was closer to the waking up portion of my night/morning) this ass hole guy drunk texts me. Not even saying anything good. Just to say that he didn't want to lead me on and... blah. blah. blah. I lost interest halfway through his jumbled incoherent text. And I was livid.

Not only did he have the balls to drunk text me, but he was so disillusioned as to think that I was interested in ever hearing from let alone seeing him again. Ugh.

Now. I know what everyone is thinking, "turn your phone on silent, Laycee. Why not just turn it off completely?" Well the answer is simple. I use it as an alarm and I'm too lazy to actually buy a legitimate alarm. I owned one once and it required batteries, and it turned out I was too lazy to buy batteries as well so.... That was a bust. Needless to say he got the wrath of Laycee at 3 am and hopefully he learned a lesson. Either don't get plastered on a Tuesday night... or.... Don't even *think* about texting me while drunk. On second thought. Just don't ever think about texting me. Kthanks.

Anyway. I'm also having a hard time finding shorts for my trip that actually cover my hooha and rear end. I don't know how any girl feels comfortable in those things.

I also might just be turning into my mother... Love her.

Sharing is Caring. But that's ok. You keep it.

Oh winter. How I loathe thee. Seriously. Hate your stinkin' guts ala Alfalfa style. Not only is the cold weather miserable. But its harder to drive. Park. Buckle up kids. Everything. And to top it all off... its cold season.

I love my job to pieces. Can't get enough of it most days. But I can't handle the revolving door of germs that comes with little children, school, and the cold winter months. I barely get a weeks break between stuffy noses and sore throats. I will admit I secretly love the beginning of a cold when you sneeze 100 times a day. Sneezing is one of my most favorite things to do. And if Nate is around I always get a "Bess you".

But...

I'm beginning to think I should carry around a vat of hand sanitizer wherever I go and insist that everyone I come in contact with use it first. I'm sure I could fashion some sort of belt attachment. How stylish!

All I know is that I want to go a full day without blowing my nose or coughing. And perhaps if I can make it to that early spring the groundhog predicted I can start blowing my nose for other reasons. Something worth while. Like allergies.

Turns out I'm not just getting these colds, I'm giving as well. My bad. But you know, I'm just doing as my mother taught. Sharing is caring. So...Who's next? Who wants a kiss?

Dating. I'd rather not.

Valentines Day. Gross. I've disliked this "holiday" for as long as I could remember. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was a very unfortunate looking child, or maybe because all my sisters were NOT unfortunate looking. Either way I didn't like it. It seemed made up and silly.

*side note* The only part I DID like is the double decker heart chocolate cake my mom makes and seeing as how I'll be no where near my mom, or said cake this year. I'm even more bitter.

Anyway. Its not that I'm one of those girls that feels the need to have someone or any of that. Because I'm not. In fact the past 4 valentine day's I was in relationships, but I just never felt the need to celebrate them.

Last year I picked out my own gift and made him pay for it.

The year before I insisted that nothing romantic or cheesy be done and that we sit and watch scary movies all night.

I think you see the trend.

Now, as much as I go on and on about how I enjoy being single and its the life for me, I'm sure some of you have noticed that when I look into the past most of it has been me, not single. Part of a unit. A "we", "us", "them". And I'll admit it, there was a long period in my life where I was never single. Bouncing from one relationship to the next uncomfortable with the thought of being an "I". But then Preston and I ended and I took a good hard look at our dead relationship (it had a long, slow, painful death) and I realized that even though I hadn't ever really been single, I hadn't ever really been IN a relationship either. I mean, I decided to pick up and move with only 2 weeks notice and willingly left Preston behind.

I was never particularly happy in my relationships, I always felt relief when they ended and no real sadness when I looked back at the demise. (to be completely honest when I looked hard enough I realized I did a lot to make sure that they ended. Sabotage. if you will.)

So here I sit. Thinking back on the past year, and realizing that I feel so much more fulfilled, happy, light, in my life now that I've been single. I've been on dates, contemplated some requests at more, and in the end, the only times I've been unhappy has resulted in those instances... When the inevitable drama hit when things didn't end up the way people wanted them to.

So this is my life. This is what I'm happy with. And I'm perfectly ok with that. I don't feel the need to delve into WHY I am this way. But I am. Maybe its my intense selfish drive, or my "youngest" syndrome and feelings like the world owes me everything... All I know is that I have nothing in me to give to someone for a full time committed relationship.

Plus, writing this and thinking about perhaps being in one.... Kinda made my tummy hurt. Or that could be the stomach bug going around my house.... I guess we'll never know.