Day 2

Day 2: a picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Nyna. My BFFBB. (best friend forever before boobies)

Through thick and thin... No matter where we end up. I love you Nyna.

I can be another fool... or an exception to the rule. You tell me... the morning after.

Sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I make big fat huge mistakes. I'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be. Nor do I expect people in my life to be perfect either. This weekend was a weekend of... fun. misery. awakening. and learning. I'm completely different now. How ironic that it happened at the new year. I came across this on a friends facebook and decided maybe it would be a good way to rediscover who I am and what I want. So if you're interested... Stay tuned the next 30 days...

Day 1: A picture of yourself with 10 facts.

1. I'm told I look like my father, which I couldn't enjoy more.

2. I don't ever see myself getting married or having children

3. I want to be a teacher who lives in foreign countries during the summers.

4. I am loud, obnoxious, and annoying and enjoy every moment.

5. I'm a workaholic.

6.I have an obsession (sometimes an unhealthy one) with turtles.

7. I love my family fiercely.

8. I write letters to everyone in my life. Constantly. I have never delivered any of them. I have many notebooks full.

9. My favorite holiday is Forth of July.

10. I'm so over winter.

Obligatory hangout with your family month

Its been said that I don't like Christmas. Not one bit. But.... occasionally I like to see and hangout with my family, and since December seems to be the popular month to do it.... I've been home for the last 10 days. 8 by choice, 2 by force. It hasn't been all bad.... I got to at least sleep on an actual bed last night, and I got to eat some delicious food. So without further ado... here are some pictures

(I used to never understand people who took pictures of their food.... until I realized how I missed Cafe Rio burrito's and felt the need to commemorate the event with a picture... mmmm)

Representing the red heads... We were missing Campbell and Carter but 3/5 isn't bad.

The boys at Christmas Eve lunch.

Julia. Explaining to me just how much she loves Justin Bieber.

Its been a good 10 days. But I'm ready to see the East coast again.

Rain, rain, don't go away.

It's a rainy, cold day here in New Jersey.

Interesting fact about me...

I love the rain.

I understand how it can make some sad, depressed, and tired, but rain makes me feel calm, quiet, and content. It settles all the thoughts racing through my head and it brings me back to my center. I wouldn't mind it one bit if I lived in a place that rained every day. The rain today makes me a little less bugged about Christmas quickly approaching.

Lately a lot of people have asked me why I hate Christmas so much. I gave my few feeble reasons, but I honestly just don't quite know why. This year especially has been bad. Its always been an annoyance to me but in the past I've been able to drag myself into the festivities and then I'm ok... Maybe its because this is the first Christmas in 6 years that I've been single. Or maybe its because I'm far from home and having been living with a Jewish family there has been absolutely no christmas festivities to throw myself into... Regardless of the reason I'm just feeling extra grinch-ish this year.

But even then I'm not sure if Grinch is the right word... I don't mind that others love it, but I'd prefer if they would just leave me be to sit and be bitter...

On a slightly related note...

I go home in 6 days. I'm very thrilled. I have been missing home a lot lately. I miss my parents and my sisters and brother. I miss my nieces and nephews and mountains. Oh how I miss mountains.

Occasionally (and when I say occasionally I mean a lot actually) I dream about Utah. Simple things. Like going back and working at the mall again. Or Sunday dinners at my parents house. Or my friends. I dream about old friends a lot. And then I wake up and its not sadness I feel... Its different. Harder to explain. Its like I'm on vacation and one day I'll have to go home and resume life. Or its like my life here in Jersey is the dream and one morning I'll wake up and I'll be back home. Its so surreal.

I can't quite figure out why I'm feeling this way, but maybe being back in Utah for a bit will help me sort some things out. Either way I can't wait.

As is...

As is with everything in my life, when I put something down in writing (i.e. my blog)(What does i.e. even mean? is it In Example or am I totally off base? ANYWAY!) it always comes undone or goes to pot (another saying I just don't understand but equally love) I shouldn't say everything. I still love my job, family, tattoo, and friends but if you are any good at power of deduction.... somethings just don't last. Oh well, life goes on. And with life going on comes the fact that Thanksgiving and my birthday have passed (moment of silence.... until next year.) And so is the time for Christmas and New Years.

I'll be completely honest. I don't like Christmas. Can't stand it actually. The music is obnoxious, its the same 10 songs sung by various amounts of people, and some are just plain creepy. I hate that everywhere I go there are a million people. And not even nice people. Mean, nasty old women who want to fight me for the pillow pet I wanted to buy. Anyway, I could go on and on about how I don't like Christmas, but who really wants to hear that?

Instead I'll leave you with the bit of joy that is getting me through until January...

I get to go home in two weeks....

Also *if* I have to listen to Christmas music... let it be this one.

If we wake up and we wanna break up...

Lets pause and take moment to appreciate the fact that today is my birthday.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok. back to the post.

I'm almost done with my long awaited vacation. Its been a dream. I got to snuggle lots with Tate and Lila, and sleep more then I ever thought poss

ible.

I ate some FANTASTIC food and got my nails done. And best of all.... I spent Thanksgiving day in shorts and a tank top. It was fabulous. As much as I have loved fall in New Jersey and I am *some what* excited for winter in Utah... Its been a nice break being here in Florida where the average temperature has been 77.

My allergies on the other hand are NOT happy but its worth it.

I made a lot of jokes yesterday (it being thanksgiving and all) about how I was thankful for my birthday. But honestly I have so much more to be thankful for.... here goes.

I am thankful for Steve. My best friend in New Jersey. Who has put up with me always and has never given up on me. He's the best.

I am thankful for my health. This time last year was a little rough and even though a lot of tears have been shed, I am thankful for how things turned out.

I am thankful for the push I gave myself to move out to New Jersey. I start school in January and that is the one thing I have wanted for the longest time, I am so happy that its finally happening.

I am thankful for my family. Each and every single one of them gives me the strength to do different things in my life. I am lucky to say that I come from such a large and supportive family.

I am thankful for my job. I've said it many times but I still am. Its rare for someone to love their job as much as I love mine and its even more rare to be able to work and live with people who are as caring and generous as the Kaltner's are. They are a great people. I wouldn't want any other pseudo family.

I am thankful for my other friends. The ones near and far. The love that they send me daily and even though we may not see each other or talk often, I know in my heart that if ever I'm in need I have a HUGE network of love to fall back on.

I am thankful for my tattoo (I realize the three of you who read this probably think I'm ridiculous....) it makes me so happy every time I look at it. At first I was worried that when things with Preston went sour I wouldn't like it as much, or that it would make me sad, but it doesn't. The rare times that I do think about him they are always good memories of him.

And last but not least... I am thankful for anyone who has made it this far. :) If that's no one well them... This is for myself.

One last shout out... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Oh Don't you worry, cuz I'll be fine... See, I'm in a hurry to be gone away awhile.

I'm independent. Adventurous. Brave. Strong. Amazing. Responsible. All things people have called me when they hear about my life.

Graduated and moved out at 17, moved cross country at 18. Then again at 22. Making it on my own. Living life to the fullest. Traveling, meeting new people, and smiling.

I have one word for what I really am.

Scared.

Of everything people shouldn't be. Stability. Commitment. Functionality. Things real adults embrace.

This post is going to be a little different. It'll be a little more introspective and its going to be painful. I've decided to finally admit things about myself that I haven't been able to in the past. And the reason for that? A boy. (I know I know. Everyone in my life is NOT surprised.)

I mean the whole "a boy" in a completely different way this time. A boy came into my life and changed it all. He was bad news I was told. The signs were all there.

Didn't want a relationship.

Young and immature.

Cheated on my within the first month.

Countless break ups and reconciliation with in the first 3 months.

But then it all changed. I don't need to go into detail. I don't want to. I hold the other 6 months so dear and close to my heart that I couldn't bare to part with them. But I walked away with such a heavy lesson. I wasn't nearly as innocent and great as I make myself out to be.

I'm a different person and a better person because of it. I won't run anymore. I'm here for better or worse. I have a life to build and I've wasted enough time already.

I am independent. Adventurous. Brave. Strong. Amazing. Responsible.

Not to mention, beautiful, funny, smart, and incredibly loyal. And even though I may not owe those traits to him (they are my own, as they have been my whole life) but I used to never own them. I dismissed them as something I could possibly never be. I used to let my insecurities over run my life and the things I would do for people. Especially men. Men that I just wanted acceptance and approval from. He taught me everyday that if I don't wear those traits, no one will ever see them. If I don't give myself more credit, no one will be there to give any. He taught me that the way men treat me is mirrored by the way I treat my self.

Now I am my own man (k that sounds weird...) I love and accept and most of all approve of myself enough that I don't need to get it from others. So much that I don't need a relationship to define me.* I am learning everyday to love being single and to take care of myself and some day the rest will fall into place. Of that I'm sure. Like I said... I'm beautiful, smart, funny, adventurous, independent, brave, and the list goes on and on.

*side note- I'm not at all saying that relationships define people, I'm saying that that was the standard I used to hold for myself.