Rain, rain, don't go away.

It's a rainy, cold day here in New Jersey.

Interesting fact about me...

I love the rain.

I understand how it can make some sad, depressed, and tired, but rain makes me feel calm, quiet, and content. It settles all the thoughts racing through my head and it brings me back to my center. I wouldn't mind it one bit if I lived in a place that rained every day. The rain today makes me a little less bugged about Christmas quickly approaching.

Lately a lot of people have asked me why I hate Christmas so much. I gave my few feeble reasons, but I honestly just don't quite know why. This year especially has been bad. Its always been an annoyance to me but in the past I've been able to drag myself into the festivities and then I'm ok... Maybe its because this is the first Christmas in 6 years that I've been single. Or maybe its because I'm far from home and having been living with a Jewish family there has been absolutely no christmas festivities to throw myself into... Regardless of the reason I'm just feeling extra grinch-ish this year.

But even then I'm not sure if Grinch is the right word... I don't mind that others love it, but I'd prefer if they would just leave me be to sit and be bitter...

On a slightly related note...

I go home in 6 days. I'm very thrilled. I have been missing home a lot lately. I miss my parents and my sisters and brother. I miss my nieces and nephews and mountains. Oh how I miss mountains.

Occasionally (and when I say occasionally I mean a lot actually) I dream about Utah. Simple things. Like going back and working at the mall again. Or Sunday dinners at my parents house. Or my friends. I dream about old friends a lot. And then I wake up and its not sadness I feel... Its different. Harder to explain. Its like I'm on vacation and one day I'll have to go home and resume life. Or its like my life here in Jersey is the dream and one morning I'll wake up and I'll be back home. Its so surreal.

I can't quite figure out why I'm feeling this way, but maybe being back in Utah for a bit will help me sort some things out. Either way I can't wait.