I'm a terrible person

Now before you get all up in arms about the title of the post, read it first, you may find yourself agreeing.

There are two things I am very aware of about myself.

1. I am a flip flopper (very easily persuaded to change my mind and/or opinion.

2. I am very passionate about whatever my opinion may be at that time.

(Now I'm also really good at putting a good spin on things so I like to advertise myself at being easy going and open minded!...anyway. Back to my original thought...)

For the past 2 years I've been pretty adamant about my desire to never have children. I live with 4, I think they are adorable, I love them so much it hurts sometimes, but I have nights, weekends, and holidays off. I just don't know if children of my own are in my future. Now, before you jump into a tirade about, just wait until I get married, or, maybe when you grow up a little more and finish sowing those wild oats, blah, blah,blah... lets just back to the two things I'm really good at.... being passionate at... flip flopping.

Now that I'm not passionately single anymore (say what?!?! I know.... I was shocked to. But he's so cute and snuggly!) I have begun to be passionately flip floppy about wanting kids (someday. not now, geeze its only been 6 weeks people! He's not THAT snuggly)

Now, its not the first thing I tell people so when Marin outed my secret to Nick I felt like I needed to defend myself. I did, he agreed/understood and we went on our way. But he unleashed a monster. He allowed me space to flip flop, out loud, about it. (I don't even have to hide my neurosis' in front of him. Its truly magical.)

So thus begins my ever lasting commentary about whether or not I want kids, and the reasons why I feel that way, and there in lies how I am a terrible person.

Last weekend Nick and I went down to Virginia to go to the Marine Museum and to visit Quantico (the marine base). It was a lot of fun, but thats another post for another time. While we were there we were in the store on base and I met a new born baby, 3 weeks old, and sleeping. I turned to Nick "I want a baby!" Now, Nick is a great boyfriend, he chuckled, patted me on the head, and distracted me with shiny new cameras. About 20 minutes later we were in a different part of the store and heard the same baby crying, hard, homeboy was UPSET. I turned to Nick " I change my mind, in fact I think I just felt my uterus close." He again smiled, patted my head and showed me the Sees Candy display.

I'm a nut case I tell you. This happens about a BAZILLION times a day. And I'm not even actively trying to DECIDE if I want kids or not. Sheesh.

Now, not to under estimate my craziness, I've taken it to a new, worse level.

"what if I have a baby and its crossed eyed?!?! I don't want kids."

"look at those little baby fatigues! I want a baby!"

So now you know. I am a terrible person. As of right now I am NOT having kids, because what if.... WHAT IF!!!!!!!!...... they get my chin?!?!?

A little change never hurt. much.

From time to time, more often then not, I feel the need to change. Go inside myself, and just change some things. I think it keeps me growing, keeps me evolving, and it keeps me aware of how I'm viewed by others. Not that I necessarily care what others think about me, because my decisions are my own and I stand behind all of them, but because sometimes we have annoying traits that are just better, not there.

Its not that I change EVERYTHING about myself, that wouldn't be being true to me. But I'll change a habit here, a character flaw there, because I believe that true happiness comes from being the best possible version of myself that I can possibly be. Now I also don't believe that I can ever be perfect, but I don't mind spending the rest of my life "tweaking" things to try and get there.

The problem with this, is that I put these changes into motion by what I feel is right. Not what others tell me. So, when I make certain changes, some friends and family are shocked. They do not agree with the change I've made, and not only do they balk at it, they fight. Tooth and nail to get me to undo the change. To be who they thought I was.

There are some obvious changes that I'm sure if you're reading this you know about, religion. School. Career. Geographical location. All of these things have caused someone(s) I hold dearly to just not understand why I would do such things. And as I wish I could sit and explain to every individual why I changed the way I did, and why I'm happier, I just can't. Sometimes I don't even have a logical explanation, it was just something inside of me that I needed to do.

This is all just a very long drawn out explanation for the changes I'm preparing to make in my life. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me, and I'm sure to a lot of people out there wont care either but maybe someone does. And maybe that someone is VERY vocal about their opinions, I don't know. But I guess now is a good a time as any to inform everyone that I am, in fact, becoming a vegetarian.

Now, before you feel the need to argue. Its not because of some deep love for animals, or for animal cruelty, its solely based on the fact that I want some change in my life. I want to eat healthier (I know that plenty will argue that meat is healthy, but really.... who asked you?) I want to strip myself back down to the basics. Fruits. Vegetables. And the like. Mostly I just want to prove to myself that I can do it. I want to show myself that I have the self control to better myself physically.

If you've spent anytime around me you will know that I am lucky. I was blessed with a tall, thin frame and a fast metabolism. I can eat almost anything I like and not have to worry. Of course I believe in moderation and the like, but I'm not strict on myself by any means. I'm also not completely happy with what I see in the mirror. Now, why not take what I've been blessed with, add a little self discipline and see where it gets me. Hopefully to a naturally healthy, and happy 20something.

So there you have it. I will check back in with updates and let you all know how I'm doing, but I feel really good about this. I'm excited to do it and see how I end up. I hope you all are cheering me on as well. :)

Damn... It feels good to be a Willhite

I want to start this one out by saying that I have always loved my family. I have always known that I came from a great one, and that I'm lucky enough to say that after 35 years my parents are still married and happily tolerating each other. I've also never doubted my families love for me. Its one of those Mormon traits that will not die. Family is first. Always has and always will.

That being said.... My family has proven once again that I am one lucky girl. For those close enough I don't need to go into detail. Life has been rough the last little bit. I was struggling. My family stepped up to the plate and carried me through. They were all far away but I have never felt their love more.

I love that I can say once again without a doubt that if ever I need anything, my family is there. I can call them, night or day and they will come to my rescue.

Talent I wish I had

In the past I've written about how I wish I was artistic. I would give my left boob to be able to sit down and hours later have a master piece. Of even something just remotely cute. On the other hand, I hate to be one of those girls that picks up a digital camera, takes a few pictures, edits the CRAP out of them on their free photo editor on the computer and then thinks they are a photographer. I am so NOT one of those girls. Or boys for that matter. I just have this inner desire to have some sort of artistic ability. Of which I have very little. But needless to say, I like to take pictures anyway. Especially of the kids.

So today was the first day of camp for the girls (YAY!!!!!!!!) and as we were patiently waiting at the front door for the bus to come, I took advantage of the camera to try and milk a little creativeness out of my bones. I'll let you be the judge. If they are the worst things ever so be it. But here it is....

They get their beauty from their mother.

Lightening 'Queen is so ballsy

My little pony while we wait

Ready to go...

Savilla and Nate seeing the girls off.

Off they go!

Batteries

One of the best parts of being with kids all day is that the simplest task can make you a hero. Tying a shoe. Retrieving toilet paper, and especially replacing dead batteries. You would think that batteries were like diamonds in their coveted-ness in our house.

Batteries make everything better;

toy not working as well as it used to? New batteries!

Voice box on a toy gone out? New batteries!

Cranky and exhausted nanny? New batteries! (ha! I wish)

How many things in our lives do we view as "new batteries" a quick change and then it'll be good again. Back to what we experienced when things were new and shiney and yet to let us down. I know I'm guilty of that quite a lot. Maybe this apology will be it. Maybe this time so and so will stop being a total jack hole and treat me the way I deserve. Maybe I won't be blamed for everything anymore and I'll for once be happy with myself. Its a long road to realize that there is never a quick fix.

Things don't get better over night and there is no such thing as "New batteries!" in life. I wish there was. Sometimes I wish I could just take a screw driver and after multiple failed attempts (because lets be honest, I have no idea how to use a screw driver.) get the back open to realize "HEY! This boy just has a dead battery. Turns out he does know how to play nice!" Turns out some are just rotten to the core. Some just don't have a good bone in their body. Same goes for girls. Some are mean. Some don't have your best interest at heart and no matter how many times they make you cry it'll never get better.

That being said, there's no reason to fret. Just as not everyone is good, not everyone is bad either. Heck, I'm out there, being nice, going the extra mile, smiling. There's got to be more like me right? People who see others who are hurting and want to make it better. Want to fix it.

Thats my problem. I want so badly to replace batteries for people. I want to swoop in, unscrew that back, replace the thing that is broken and send them on their way. Smiling. Knowing that someone is happier because of something I could do for them.

I think thats where I get hung up on Preston. I put in so much effort. Forgave so much, hoping that someday I'd see him happy and know that maybe I was a part of that. That I had replaced his dead battery. But I couldn't. I didn't have the right size. I was all out. And just like replacing a dead battery is the best feeling in my job, one of the worst is having to unscrew that back, open it up, and realize you don't have the right size, only to screw it back up still not working and try to explain to that crest fallen 2 year old face and say "Sorry buddy. I can't do it."

So to those in my life I couldn't fix, because thats just not how life works....

Sorry buddy. I can't do it.

You don't know me...

I hate that lately I've struggled blogging. I feel so one dimensional when I can't muster enough creativity to write a witty enough post to feel proud of. I know my strengths and my weaknesses and I'm ok with that but I also work really hard to improve my weaknesses so that maybe one day I can switch them to the other column.

I'm very left brain oriented. My major is math for heavens sake. I'm ok with that. I've embraced it. But I envy right brained people. I would give my left big toe to be able to sit down and create something. I've loved many right brained people in my life and they have always been the ones to leave the strongest impact. This blog is my attempt to try and be a little more right brained. Its pathetic to say the least but I digress...

My trip home was fantastic. I saw my family, some old friends, and made a few new ones as well. I was glad to come home, but I also realized I'm missing something from my life here on the east coast. Or maybe I should say someone.

I'm great on my own. I'm fiercely independent and stubborn. I hate being told what to do, or better yet,what NOT to do. But I've been lonely. Caring the weight of my job, school, and being away from home has left me a little weary. I'm not about to settle, or even go out of my way to find someone, but I'm not as closed off to the idea and I was a year ago. Or even a month ago.

Again, I'm reminded that I'm ever changing. I was so certain after Preston that I was done and that I needed none of it, it wasn't in my "plan" thus it wasn't on my mind. But maybe I've become too bitter and cold hearted. Maybe I've become my worst enemy. Someone incapable of being loved. I don't want to be that. I may not be able to love, but I'd love for someone to love me. Then maybe I'd soften a bit.

There is one thing that hasn't changed. I thrive off travel. I need to go on an adventure. I need to get out and experience something new, push the limits. I need to be uncomfortable. What better time to do that then in the summer?

My weekends just got busy.

Any ideas? I'm open to anything....

Another sunny place, I’m lucky, I know. But I wanna go home.

Well. I've been on a roll. I know its been a while. I can't say I haven't tried though. I've written out and eventually deleted many a post since the last one. But I'm unsure of how to recover from that. I wish I could write a post all about how since that day things have only gotten better, and I'm back to loving every bit of life, and that I'm on cloud nine. But alas, I am not. Things got a little bit more rough. But isn't that how life goes? It's gotta get worse before it can get better? Well I'm ready... and waiting...

This semester is almost over, my last final is tomorrow. (thank goodness) And then I get to go home. I get to hug my mom, kiss my dad, laugh with my sisters, catch up with old friends, and eat more good food then I can even mention. Something I've been needing a lot of. Its not that I don't have friends here (I have a few good ones, and they know who they are) or a family (I live with an amazing family. Something I could not have chosen better) and Jersey does have its good eats, but theres just something about the originals.

I've been here a year now, (it was actually before my last post but apparently I was a bit preoccupied and forgot to mention it) A lot of crazy things have happened it that year, I moved out here dating someone I thought I would never say goodbye to, now I have no idea where he is. I had a solid idea of a future career that I've changed to something not entirely too different but different none the less.

Its been a good year. I am happy. I'm so glad that I made the decision to move out here, regardless of the underlying motivations. And I know I'll love it more after a few days needed at home. I'll be ready to come back and conquer it all over again.

So heres to rolling with the punches, and knowing that this too shall pass.

Summer is almost here, and if you know anything about me, its that I thrive so much more in warm weather.