If you were right and I was wrong? Why are you the one who's gone And I'm still here?

I wake up everyday with the thought that my life can't get any better. I've spent the last 10 months living in a place I love (you don't get sick of hearing about it right? good.) I'm back in school, albeit a frustrating school but, I'm working towards a degree none the less. And I have a good solid small circle of friends.

But sometimes I reminisce. Who doesn't? Sometimes I miss the snowy mountains in July. Sometimes I miss my friends. And sometimes.... most times... I miss my family. I can handle all of that. Those things can be solved, temporarily, I can go back and see all of those things and then remember how much I miss New Jersey.

What I truly hate about life is the missing of people, places, and things that I can't solve. My life isn't the same as its ever been. I never expected it to be. But I miss somethings. I miss who people used to be. I miss the comfortable routines I used to have, that ironically drove me to moving away. The change I seem to always be craving has, for the moment, subsided. But now that I'm settled and not itching to get away, I've realized that I've experienced things in my life without *really* experiencing them.

How many late nights and talks have I blown through with friends all the while wishing I was somewhere else? How many memories do I now look back on with longing and realize that at the time I was miserably taking it all for granted?

I don't know if I'm the only person who does this, (I hope not) but what is it that makes that occur? What in my head thinks... If I can just do "x" with "y" then I'll truly be happy. If I can just get through "a" amount of months and finally be "b" then I can relax and enjoy the things around me. I'm not exactly sure. How many of those moments were at one point something I was striving for, and then when I reached them my mind and want had moved on to bigger and better desires.

I know that that quality has been the main drive in my life to work as hard as I have and to obtain the things I have, but have I truly experienced the moments along the way? I'm not sure. I hope so.

Otherwise all this missing is for not. And that... would be truly heart breaking.

Dear Utah,

I know I haven't been the best lately. I've said some hurtful, mean things. And I've been ungrateful. But I do miss you. I do appreciate the role you played in my life and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. You'll always be home to me.

Love, Laycee

Tonight I'm loving you

Well, I wrote my last post on the mend from a nasty cold, and then this warm beautiful weather hit and so did allergies, and so continues my running nose and cough. With all the wet grass in the air it was bound to happen, but I'll welcome allergies any day of the week if it means warm weather and not so much gross black snow on the ground. Black snow. One more thing we never had in Utah. It never stayed around long enough for it turn any other color (unless a dog got ahold of it.) here has not been the case. I'm sure it there was a way to tell, the snow sitting on the ground under the layers of grit and dirt would be from about January 1st. I kid you not.

So for so long I was on this single girl kick. I loved being single. I loved my life, and I was sooo happy. And then it hit. Like a nasty germ. Grasped real hard and wont let go. Ok. So maybe all of that was a bit dramatic. But I have a crush. Not a large one. Not one that I plan to do anything about, but a fun one. I'm not pushing it and I'm not digging because that just causes issues that I'd rather avoid. So for now I'll just giggle like a little school girl.

In the mean time I'm in the full swing of school and loving it. I wish my classes were a tad bit more challenging but now that I've put that in writing I may later regret it. I have to park in the furthest remote parking that they offer so I get in a good mile walk everyday, (1/2 mile each way). They offer a shuttle but I find I feel better about myself when I walk and get the fresh air and exercise.

I realize this blog may be a bit on the boring side. I guess thats what happens when you lead a simple boring life.

I do have just one gripe. Texting at all hours of the night. The other night I went on a terrible date. It was awful. I can't even begin expressing how bad it was. And we both left it at "bye", no one mentioning maybe doing it again. I was perfectly content with that.

And then the other night at 3:20 am. Lets all go back and make sure we read that right.... 3:20 AM! (I was closer to the waking up portion of my night/morning) this ass hole guy drunk texts me. Not even saying anything good. Just to say that he didn't want to lead me on and... blah. blah. blah. I lost interest halfway through his jumbled incoherent text. And I was livid.

Not only did he have the balls to drunk text me, but he was so disillusioned as to think that I was interested in ever hearing from let alone seeing him again. Ugh.

Now. I know what everyone is thinking, "turn your phone on silent, Laycee. Why not just turn it off completely?" Well the answer is simple. I use it as an alarm and I'm too lazy to actually buy a legitimate alarm. I owned one once and it required batteries, and it turned out I was too lazy to buy batteries as well so.... That was a bust. Needless to say he got the wrath of Laycee at 3 am and hopefully he learned a lesson. Either don't get plastered on a Tuesday night... or.... Don't even *think* about texting me while drunk. On second thought. Just don't ever think about texting me. Kthanks.

Anyway. I'm also having a hard time finding shorts for my trip that actually cover my hooha and rear end. I don't know how any girl feels comfortable in those things.

I also might just be turning into my mother... Love her.

Sharing is Caring. But that's ok. You keep it.

Oh winter. How I loathe thee. Seriously. Hate your stinkin' guts ala Alfalfa style. Not only is the cold weather miserable. But its harder to drive. Park. Buckle up kids. Everything. And to top it all off... its cold season.

I love my job to pieces. Can't get enough of it most days. But I can't handle the revolving door of germs that comes with little children, school, and the cold winter months. I barely get a weeks break between stuffy noses and sore throats. I will admit I secretly love the beginning of a cold when you sneeze 100 times a day. Sneezing is one of my most favorite things to do. And if Nate is around I always get a "Bess you".

But...

I'm beginning to think I should carry around a vat of hand sanitizer wherever I go and insist that everyone I come in contact with use it first. I'm sure I could fashion some sort of belt attachment. How stylish!

All I know is that I want to go a full day without blowing my nose or coughing. And perhaps if I can make it to that early spring the groundhog predicted I can start blowing my nose for other reasons. Something worth while. Like allergies.

Turns out I'm not just getting these colds, I'm giving as well. My bad. But you know, I'm just doing as my mother taught. Sharing is caring. So...Who's next? Who wants a kiss?

Dating. I'd rather not.

Valentines Day. Gross. I've disliked this "holiday" for as long as I could remember. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was a very unfortunate looking child, or maybe because all my sisters were NOT unfortunate looking. Either way I didn't like it. It seemed made up and silly.

*side note* The only part I DID like is the double decker heart chocolate cake my mom makes and seeing as how I'll be no where near my mom, or said cake this year. I'm even more bitter.

Anyway. Its not that I'm one of those girls that feels the need to have someone or any of that. Because I'm not. In fact the past 4 valentine day's I was in relationships, but I just never felt the need to celebrate them.

Last year I picked out my own gift and made him pay for it.

The year before I insisted that nothing romantic or cheesy be done and that we sit and watch scary movies all night.

I think you see the trend.

Now, as much as I go on and on about how I enjoy being single and its the life for me, I'm sure some of you have noticed that when I look into the past most of it has been me, not single. Part of a unit. A "we", "us", "them". And I'll admit it, there was a long period in my life where I was never single. Bouncing from one relationship to the next uncomfortable with the thought of being an "I". But then Preston and I ended and I took a good hard look at our dead relationship (it had a long, slow, painful death) and I realized that even though I hadn't ever really been single, I hadn't ever really been IN a relationship either. I mean, I decided to pick up and move with only 2 weeks notice and willingly left Preston behind.

I was never particularly happy in my relationships, I always felt relief when they ended and no real sadness when I looked back at the demise. (to be completely honest when I looked hard enough I realized I did a lot to make sure that they ended. Sabotage. if you will.)

So here I sit. Thinking back on the past year, and realizing that I feel so much more fulfilled, happy, light, in my life now that I've been single. I've been on dates, contemplated some requests at more, and in the end, the only times I've been unhappy has resulted in those instances... When the inevitable drama hit when things didn't end up the way people wanted them to.

So this is my life. This is what I'm happy with. And I'm perfectly ok with that. I don't feel the need to delve into WHY I am this way. But I am. Maybe its my intense selfish drive, or my "youngest" syndrome and feelings like the world owes me everything... All I know is that I have nothing in me to give to someone for a full time committed relationship.

Plus, writing this and thinking about perhaps being in one.... Kinda made my tummy hurt. Or that could be the stomach bug going around my house.... I guess we'll never know.

Blissfully unaware

As I grow up I'm more and more aware of the fact that I prefer to live my life... blissfully unaware.

Unaware of what you ask? Well.... Lots of things.

• Terrible things in the news.
• drama with who my friends may or may not be dating, seeing, hanging out, sleeping with.
• politics
• and most importantly.... what anyone thinks of me.

None of those things particularly thrill me.... Most make me want to walk in the opposite direction and one may just give me the hives.

Does that make me any less of a mature adult? Does it make me a terrible friend? I really hope not. I like to think that if my friends need me to listen, be a shoulder to cry on, bury a dead body, I'd be there for them. No matter what. And perhaps thats what I'm really trying to get at.

If its big, and I mean BIG. Then I'm there. If its little, I'm there too.... but if its little, everyday, always, I struggle. Sometimes (and hopefully on a regular basis) I need a light hearted joke, a normalcy. Something that shows me that our friendship isn't solely based on your current life ending train wreck.

Sometimes I can be selfish. Sometimes I can be SUPER harsh (see last post) and sometimes I can be caring. I think all of those are normal human emotions. I am not a bad person if I experience any or all of them.

I don't really care what people think about me. At all actually. I know for a fact there are people out there that are not Laycee fans. I could probably name a few and give stats on them. But I wont because I don't care enough to let that bother me.

I also know for a fact that I have some big supporters (you guys rock!) and thats what I care about. The ones that love me. Don't judge me. And who get that everyone makes mistakes. Myself included.

I'm tired of hearing things about myself. Things that are not true. Things that couldn't be further from the truth. Whether people say them or not so be it.... I just don't want to hear it.

It doesn't get my anywhere and no one is going to profit from it.

I'd just hope that if you're out there and reading this.... that you're a Laycee fan. And you know that I love you and that I DO try to be a good friend.... So lets go bury a body....

Eh.

So I missed the whole weekend. I'd like to say its because I was doing totally awesome things and it was just WAY too much to blog but..... I slept. I woke up Saturday feeling a bit under the weather and it went down hill from there. So no blog. Plus this whole 30 day thing is starting to get boring. I don't get day 19. So..... I'm bailing. Its what I do best. Hence the reason I'm single. Haha.

Anyway. Onward and upward. Or down really.... A lot of things have been bugging me lately. And I've come to realize it has to do with just one person. And then it hit me. I'm dumb. haha. Let me explain....

A while back I had a friend.... things started to bother me more and more and I just didn't think the friendship was beneficial to anyone. Me especially. I needed out and I needed less drama. So I "friend dumped" them. I know that it sounds harsh but it needed to be done. So then a few months passed by.... and a few more... And I came across some old pictures/correspondence and I was definitely wearing my rose colored glasses. I couldn't remember what the big deal was... Why was I so adamant...? So I made amends. We started talking again and things were ok. And then I realized more and more why I stopped communication to begin with. And so begins my blog of rants...

I'm an optimistic person. I understand that not everyone is that way and that's fine. But I don't get the people that continuously make themselves a martyr and a victim. I've been known to have my own "charlie brown" (thanks Russ) like characteristics but I like to think I roll with the punches and laugh it off. And if someone hurts me I don't go back. Or at least I thought. Apparently I was wrong (see above.) But now I'm done. There's no need to subject myself to the endless whining and complaining when something can be done to change.

And there is only so much self destructive behavior I can handle before I want to pull my own hair out.... And its just starting to get long again! I'm beginning to see that as you grow up and move on with life there are some things that just don't last. Some people that just aren't good to have in your life and it doesn't mean that the memories you have are any less special or that at one point they weren't *something* to you. (yikes I sound like I just got out of a relationship. I guess this applies to that as well.)

All I know is that I'm so happy with the drama free life I lead right now. I have great friends and even more importantly I am ok being on my own. Alone. Its a fantastic feeling.

Now if only I could kick this cold.

Day 18

This next one can just go suck it. Why would I want to put a picture up of my biggest insecurity? Whatev. Here it is. My body. I wouldn't be a true girl if that weren't the case now would I?

day 18: a picture of your biggest insecurity.

day 18: a picture of your biggest insecurity,