I'm a terrible person

Now before you get all up in arms about the title of the post, read it first, you may find yourself agreeing.

There are two things I am very aware of about myself.

1. I am a flip flopper (very easily persuaded to change my mind and/or opinion.

2. I am very passionate about whatever my opinion may be at that time.

(Now I'm also really good at putting a good spin on things so I like to advertise myself at being easy going and open minded!...anyway. Back to my original thought...)

For the past 2 years I've been pretty adamant about my desire to never have children. I live with 4, I think they are adorable, I love them so much it hurts sometimes, but I have nights, weekends, and holidays off. I just don't know if children of my own are in my future. Now, before you jump into a tirade about, just wait until I get married, or, maybe when you grow up a little more and finish sowing those wild oats, blah, blah,blah... lets just back to the two things I'm really good at.... being passionate at... flip flopping.

Now that I'm not passionately single anymore (say what?!?! I know.... I was shocked to. But he's so cute and snuggly!) I have begun to be passionately flip floppy about wanting kids (someday. not now, geeze its only been 6 weeks people! He's not THAT snuggly)

Now, its not the first thing I tell people so when Marin outed my secret to Nick I felt like I needed to defend myself. I did, he agreed/understood and we went on our way. But he unleashed a monster. He allowed me space to flip flop, out loud, about it. (I don't even have to hide my neurosis' in front of him. Its truly magical.)

So thus begins my ever lasting commentary about whether or not I want kids, and the reasons why I feel that way, and there in lies how I am a terrible person.

Last weekend Nick and I went down to Virginia to go to the Marine Museum and to visit Quantico (the marine base). It was a lot of fun, but thats another post for another time. While we were there we were in the store on base and I met a new born baby, 3 weeks old, and sleeping. I turned to Nick "I want a baby!" Now, Nick is a great boyfriend, he chuckled, patted me on the head, and distracted me with shiny new cameras. About 20 minutes later we were in a different part of the store and heard the same baby crying, hard, homeboy was UPSET. I turned to Nick " I change my mind, in fact I think I just felt my uterus close." He again smiled, patted my head and showed me the Sees Candy display.

I'm a nut case I tell you. This happens about a BAZILLION times a day. And I'm not even actively trying to DECIDE if I want kids or not. Sheesh.

Now, not to under estimate my craziness, I've taken it to a new, worse level.

"what if I have a baby and its crossed eyed?!?! I don't want kids."

"look at those little baby fatigues! I want a baby!"

So now you know. I am a terrible person. As of right now I am NOT having kids, because what if.... WHAT IF!!!!!!!!...... they get my chin?!?!?

A little change never hurt. much.

From time to time, more often then not, I feel the need to change. Go inside myself, and just change some things. I think it keeps me growing, keeps me evolving, and it keeps me aware of how I'm viewed by others. Not that I necessarily care what others think about me, because my decisions are my own and I stand behind all of them, but because sometimes we have annoying traits that are just better, not there.

Its not that I change EVERYTHING about myself, that wouldn't be being true to me. But I'll change a habit here, a character flaw there, because I believe that true happiness comes from being the best possible version of myself that I can possibly be. Now I also don't believe that I can ever be perfect, but I don't mind spending the rest of my life "tweaking" things to try and get there.

The problem with this, is that I put these changes into motion by what I feel is right. Not what others tell me. So, when I make certain changes, some friends and family are shocked. They do not agree with the change I've made, and not only do they balk at it, they fight. Tooth and nail to get me to undo the change. To be who they thought I was.

There are some obvious changes that I'm sure if you're reading this you know about, religion. School. Career. Geographical location. All of these things have caused someone(s) I hold dearly to just not understand why I would do such things. And as I wish I could sit and explain to every individual why I changed the way I did, and why I'm happier, I just can't. Sometimes I don't even have a logical explanation, it was just something inside of me that I needed to do.

This is all just a very long drawn out explanation for the changes I'm preparing to make in my life. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me, and I'm sure to a lot of people out there wont care either but maybe someone does. And maybe that someone is VERY vocal about their opinions, I don't know. But I guess now is a good a time as any to inform everyone that I am, in fact, becoming a vegetarian.

Now, before you feel the need to argue. Its not because of some deep love for animals, or for animal cruelty, its solely based on the fact that I want some change in my life. I want to eat healthier (I know that plenty will argue that meat is healthy, but really.... who asked you?) I want to strip myself back down to the basics. Fruits. Vegetables. And the like. Mostly I just want to prove to myself that I can do it. I want to show myself that I have the self control to better myself physically.

If you've spent anytime around me you will know that I am lucky. I was blessed with a tall, thin frame and a fast metabolism. I can eat almost anything I like and not have to worry. Of course I believe in moderation and the like, but I'm not strict on myself by any means. I'm also not completely happy with what I see in the mirror. Now, why not take what I've been blessed with, add a little self discipline and see where it gets me. Hopefully to a naturally healthy, and happy 20something.

So there you have it. I will check back in with updates and let you all know how I'm doing, but I feel really good about this. I'm excited to do it and see how I end up. I hope you all are cheering me on as well. :)

Damn... It feels good to be a Willhite

I want to start this one out by saying that I have always loved my family. I have always known that I came from a great one, and that I'm lucky enough to say that after 35 years my parents are still married and happily tolerating each other. I've also never doubted my families love for me. Its one of those Mormon traits that will not die. Family is first. Always has and always will.

That being said.... My family has proven once again that I am one lucky girl. For those close enough I don't need to go into detail. Life has been rough the last little bit. I was struggling. My family stepped up to the plate and carried me through. They were all far away but I have never felt their love more.

I love that I can say once again without a doubt that if ever I need anything, my family is there. I can call them, night or day and they will come to my rescue.

Talent I wish I had

In the past I've written about how I wish I was artistic. I would give my left boob to be able to sit down and hours later have a master piece. Of even something just remotely cute. On the other hand, I hate to be one of those girls that picks up a digital camera, takes a few pictures, edits the CRAP out of them on their free photo editor on the computer and then thinks they are a photographer. I am so NOT one of those girls. Or boys for that matter. I just have this inner desire to have some sort of artistic ability. Of which I have very little. But needless to say, I like to take pictures anyway. Especially of the kids.

So today was the first day of camp for the girls (YAY!!!!!!!!) and as we were patiently waiting at the front door for the bus to come, I took advantage of the camera to try and milk a little creativeness out of my bones. I'll let you be the judge. If they are the worst things ever so be it. But here it is....

They get their beauty from their mother.

Lightening 'Queen is so ballsy

My little pony while we wait

Ready to go...

Savilla and Nate seeing the girls off.

Off they go!

Batteries

One of the best parts of being with kids all day is that the simplest task can make you a hero. Tying a shoe. Retrieving toilet paper, and especially replacing dead batteries. You would think that batteries were like diamonds in their coveted-ness in our house.

Batteries make everything better;

toy not working as well as it used to? New batteries!

Voice box on a toy gone out? New batteries!

Cranky and exhausted nanny? New batteries! (ha! I wish)

How many things in our lives do we view as "new batteries" a quick change and then it'll be good again. Back to what we experienced when things were new and shiney and yet to let us down. I know I'm guilty of that quite a lot. Maybe this apology will be it. Maybe this time so and so will stop being a total jack hole and treat me the way I deserve. Maybe I won't be blamed for everything anymore and I'll for once be happy with myself. Its a long road to realize that there is never a quick fix.

Things don't get better over night and there is no such thing as "New batteries!" in life. I wish there was. Sometimes I wish I could just take a screw driver and after multiple failed attempts (because lets be honest, I have no idea how to use a screw driver.) get the back open to realize "HEY! This boy just has a dead battery. Turns out he does know how to play nice!" Turns out some are just rotten to the core. Some just don't have a good bone in their body. Same goes for girls. Some are mean. Some don't have your best interest at heart and no matter how many times they make you cry it'll never get better.

That being said, there's no reason to fret. Just as not everyone is good, not everyone is bad either. Heck, I'm out there, being nice, going the extra mile, smiling. There's got to be more like me right? People who see others who are hurting and want to make it better. Want to fix it.

Thats my problem. I want so badly to replace batteries for people. I want to swoop in, unscrew that back, replace the thing that is broken and send them on their way. Smiling. Knowing that someone is happier because of something I could do for them.

I think thats where I get hung up on Preston. I put in so much effort. Forgave so much, hoping that someday I'd see him happy and know that maybe I was a part of that. That I had replaced his dead battery. But I couldn't. I didn't have the right size. I was all out. And just like replacing a dead battery is the best feeling in my job, one of the worst is having to unscrew that back, open it up, and realize you don't have the right size, only to screw it back up still not working and try to explain to that crest fallen 2 year old face and say "Sorry buddy. I can't do it."

So to those in my life I couldn't fix, because thats just not how life works....

Sorry buddy. I can't do it.

You don't know me...

I hate that lately I've struggled blogging. I feel so one dimensional when I can't muster enough creativity to write a witty enough post to feel proud of. I know my strengths and my weaknesses and I'm ok with that but I also work really hard to improve my weaknesses so that maybe one day I can switch them to the other column.

I'm very left brain oriented. My major is math for heavens sake. I'm ok with that. I've embraced it. But I envy right brained people. I would give my left big toe to be able to sit down and create something. I've loved many right brained people in my life and they have always been the ones to leave the strongest impact. This blog is my attempt to try and be a little more right brained. Its pathetic to say the least but I digress...

My trip home was fantastic. I saw my family, some old friends, and made a few new ones as well. I was glad to come home, but I also realized I'm missing something from my life here on the east coast. Or maybe I should say someone.

I'm great on my own. I'm fiercely independent and stubborn. I hate being told what to do, or better yet,what NOT to do. But I've been lonely. Caring the weight of my job, school, and being away from home has left me a little weary. I'm not about to settle, or even go out of my way to find someone, but I'm not as closed off to the idea and I was a year ago. Or even a month ago.

Again, I'm reminded that I'm ever changing. I was so certain after Preston that I was done and that I needed none of it, it wasn't in my "plan" thus it wasn't on my mind. But maybe I've become too bitter and cold hearted. Maybe I've become my worst enemy. Someone incapable of being loved. I don't want to be that. I may not be able to love, but I'd love for someone to love me. Then maybe I'd soften a bit.

There is one thing that hasn't changed. I thrive off travel. I need to go on an adventure. I need to get out and experience something new, push the limits. I need to be uncomfortable. What better time to do that then in the summer?

My weekends just got busy.

Any ideas? I'm open to anything....

Another sunny place, I’m lucky, I know. But I wanna go home.

Well. I've been on a roll. I know its been a while. I can't say I haven't tried though. I've written out and eventually deleted many a post since the last one. But I'm unsure of how to recover from that. I wish I could write a post all about how since that day things have only gotten better, and I'm back to loving every bit of life, and that I'm on cloud nine. But alas, I am not. Things got a little bit more rough. But isn't that how life goes? It's gotta get worse before it can get better? Well I'm ready... and waiting...

This semester is almost over, my last final is tomorrow. (thank goodness) And then I get to go home. I get to hug my mom, kiss my dad, laugh with my sisters, catch up with old friends, and eat more good food then I can even mention. Something I've been needing a lot of. Its not that I don't have friends here (I have a few good ones, and they know who they are) or a family (I live with an amazing family. Something I could not have chosen better) and Jersey does have its good eats, but theres just something about the originals.

I've been here a year now, (it was actually before my last post but apparently I was a bit preoccupied and forgot to mention it) A lot of crazy things have happened it that year, I moved out here dating someone I thought I would never say goodbye to, now I have no idea where he is. I had a solid idea of a future career that I've changed to something not entirely too different but different none the less.

Its been a good year. I am happy. I'm so glad that I made the decision to move out here, regardless of the underlying motivations. And I know I'll love it more after a few days needed at home. I'll be ready to come back and conquer it all over again.

So heres to rolling with the punches, and knowing that this too shall pass.

Summer is almost here, and if you know anything about me, its that I thrive so much more in warm weather.

Oh heEEEEey

So maybe I should first explain my title. Its my way of saying, Hey to also remind you how much you love me and how you shouldn't judge for my lack of interesting blog posts. (My 2 1/2 readers, don't hate)

I've been in SUCH a funk lately. I don't know what my problem is. I've been moody, cranky, easily annoyed and I just don't have the energy to deal with ANYONE. Except the kids. I always love the kids, tonight I laid in bed with Nate until he fell asleep just because I wanted to snuggle and then I stayed a bit longer. I need to figure my shit out (excuse the language. It just felt appropriate in this situation) I have been incredibly home sick. For my family. I'll be ok. I keep telling myself.

I'm starting to work towards being happy with myself again. I let someone into my life briefly and for some reason I have been damaged since. Damaged as in, summer of 2005, and if you know anything about me then that is NOT a good. Like I said. I'm working on it.

*warning. dramatic paragraph approaching. Feel free to skip. I won't be offended*

This post isn't for anyone. Its for myself. Its to get some stuff out and to hopefully purge out some of this negative energy thats been swirling around me lately.

I have never before met someone that has been so poisonous to my life in such a short time. Someone who came in and exploded like a bomb leaving nothing but shrapnel. I feel ill thinking about the amount of energy I have spent on this person. The smallest inkling of feelings I felt make me sick. I can't wait until this is a distant memory.

*dramatic paragraph over*

Anyway. I'm still here. Still kicking. Anticipating summer and itching to wear summer clothes.

Miss you all.

Ugh. Grrr. RAWR!

So, its been a while since I've taken the time to vent. Bitch. Moan. So here ya go!

I learned something in my communications class this week (I actually learned something at the two bit school I go to. CRAZY!) I don't think it was even necessarily (hard as I try I don't think I will ever learn how to spell that word without the help of spell check.) part of the class itself or just my teacher giving us a life lesson because he was bugged by another student. But he informed us that in life, never give advice unless it is asked for. Oh how true that is. Since then, I have noticed more and more the agitation I feel when people give me unsolicited advice.

I try hard to smile through it and try and change the subject but some people just don't take the hint. Earlier today I was having a conversation with an acquaintance, (another word that is beyond my spelling capabilities) not even a friend. Just someone I went on one date with a million months ago and never saw again because he was kind of an ass. So he was prying inquiring about my school and my major, and then proceeded to tell me to change my major. To something somewhat similar to my current major, but something I would never be able to do, nor enjoy. I just know myself well enough. Hence the reason I choose the major I did.

Why did he feel like he knew me well enough to give me such advice? Where was it portrayed by me that I would be interested in such advice? Because he has worked in a school for the last 5 minutes he feels so inclined to tell me to CHANGE my major. Ha. And he was a photography major. Chump.

I think I'll stick to my totally practical and in demand major and you keep doing what you're doing, D-bag, and why don't you keep your advice for someone who asks for it, or even for someone who can stand you.

Holy Moly!

Whoa! Where have I been you ask? Off having the best life ever. Or something like that. Four days after my last post my best friend Chelsey came into town.

And then that week I had two tests for school, Nate got sick, and we had to pack and get everything ready for our trip. So I was a bit busy you could say. But anyway. I'm back, I'm settled and our trip was fantastic. The weather was beautiful and the company was spectacular.

I could go into detail about what we did, but I just don't have the energy today, and seeing as how most of my readership is from my facebook friends, you've seen all the pictures anyway.

So a few days after we got back, as a bonus for all the hard work we did in Jamaica. Jonathan and Savilla bought Chelsey and I tickets to go see The Book of Mormon Musical. The funniest thing I have ever seen. Its not for the faint of heart, or the easily offended. It definitely pushes the envelope on a lot of religious lines but I thought it was very well done and I appreciated all the humor.

It made me take stock of my life though. Where I've been and who I've become in the 5 1/2 years since graduating high school and making the decision that religion wasn't for me.

Often times I wonder if my family saw it coming, if as a child I showed signs of non interest. Or if it was seen as a rash quick decision. Either way, I'm not foolish enough to think that that choice hasn't hurt many, my parents included. I hope by now we've reached a mutual respect and that they know that I love them immensely despite the fact that I no longer go to church.

I have so much respect for most members of the church. I think it takes a lot of discipline and hard work; and to be able to say that you believe in something so much that you are willing to follow some pretty tough rules is honorable in my eyes.

Every now and then I get to feeling really homesick. It often occurs when things are going right and I'm really happy. I miss having my family around to see how happy I am. I ache for them to see how I've grown and matured and I want so desperately for them to be proud of me. I think they are, even with my short comings. I know I'm proud of them.

So basically this post is to say that I'm REALLY happy, and thus, really homesick.

If you were right and I was wrong? Why are you the one who's gone And I'm still here?

I wake up everyday with the thought that my life can't get any better. I've spent the last 10 months living in a place I love (you don't get sick of hearing about it right? good.) I'm back in school, albeit a frustrating school but, I'm working towards a degree none the less. And I have a good solid small circle of friends.

But sometimes I reminisce. Who doesn't? Sometimes I miss the snowy mountains in July. Sometimes I miss my friends. And sometimes.... most times... I miss my family. I can handle all of that. Those things can be solved, temporarily, I can go back and see all of those things and then remember how much I miss New Jersey.

What I truly hate about life is the missing of people, places, and things that I can't solve. My life isn't the same as its ever been. I never expected it to be. But I miss somethings. I miss who people used to be. I miss the comfortable routines I used to have, that ironically drove me to moving away. The change I seem to always be craving has, for the moment, subsided. But now that I'm settled and not itching to get away, I've realized that I've experienced things in my life without *really* experiencing them.

How many late nights and talks have I blown through with friends all the while wishing I was somewhere else? How many memories do I now look back on with longing and realize that at the time I was miserably taking it all for granted?

I don't know if I'm the only person who does this, (I hope not) but what is it that makes that occur? What in my head thinks... If I can just do "x" with "y" then I'll truly be happy. If I can just get through "a" amount of months and finally be "b" then I can relax and enjoy the things around me. I'm not exactly sure. How many of those moments were at one point something I was striving for, and then when I reached them my mind and want had moved on to bigger and better desires.

I know that that quality has been the main drive in my life to work as hard as I have and to obtain the things I have, but have I truly experienced the moments along the way? I'm not sure. I hope so.

Otherwise all this missing is for not. And that... would be truly heart breaking.

Dear Utah,

I know I haven't been the best lately. I've said some hurtful, mean things. And I've been ungrateful. But I do miss you. I do appreciate the role you played in my life and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. You'll always be home to me.

Love, Laycee

Tonight I'm loving you

Well, I wrote my last post on the mend from a nasty cold, and then this warm beautiful weather hit and so did allergies, and so continues my running nose and cough. With all the wet grass in the air it was bound to happen, but I'll welcome allergies any day of the week if it means warm weather and not so much gross black snow on the ground. Black snow. One more thing we never had in Utah. It never stayed around long enough for it turn any other color (unless a dog got ahold of it.) here has not been the case. I'm sure it there was a way to tell, the snow sitting on the ground under the layers of grit and dirt would be from about January 1st. I kid you not.

So for so long I was on this single girl kick. I loved being single. I loved my life, and I was sooo happy. And then it hit. Like a nasty germ. Grasped real hard and wont let go. Ok. So maybe all of that was a bit dramatic. But I have a crush. Not a large one. Not one that I plan to do anything about, but a fun one. I'm not pushing it and I'm not digging because that just causes issues that I'd rather avoid. So for now I'll just giggle like a little school girl.

In the mean time I'm in the full swing of school and loving it. I wish my classes were a tad bit more challenging but now that I've put that in writing I may later regret it. I have to park in the furthest remote parking that they offer so I get in a good mile walk everyday, (1/2 mile each way). They offer a shuttle but I find I feel better about myself when I walk and get the fresh air and exercise.

I realize this blog may be a bit on the boring side. I guess thats what happens when you lead a simple boring life.

I do have just one gripe. Texting at all hours of the night. The other night I went on a terrible date. It was awful. I can't even begin expressing how bad it was. And we both left it at "bye", no one mentioning maybe doing it again. I was perfectly content with that.

And then the other night at 3:20 am. Lets all go back and make sure we read that right.... 3:20 AM! (I was closer to the waking up portion of my night/morning) this ass hole guy drunk texts me. Not even saying anything good. Just to say that he didn't want to lead me on and... blah. blah. blah. I lost interest halfway through his jumbled incoherent text. And I was livid.

Not only did he have the balls to drunk text me, but he was so disillusioned as to think that I was interested in ever hearing from let alone seeing him again. Ugh.

Now. I know what everyone is thinking, "turn your phone on silent, Laycee. Why not just turn it off completely?" Well the answer is simple. I use it as an alarm and I'm too lazy to actually buy a legitimate alarm. I owned one once and it required batteries, and it turned out I was too lazy to buy batteries as well so.... That was a bust. Needless to say he got the wrath of Laycee at 3 am and hopefully he learned a lesson. Either don't get plastered on a Tuesday night... or.... Don't even *think* about texting me while drunk. On second thought. Just don't ever think about texting me. Kthanks.

Anyway. I'm also having a hard time finding shorts for my trip that actually cover my hooha and rear end. I don't know how any girl feels comfortable in those things.

I also might just be turning into my mother... Love her.

Sharing is Caring. But that's ok. You keep it.

Oh winter. How I loathe thee. Seriously. Hate your stinkin' guts ala Alfalfa style. Not only is the cold weather miserable. But its harder to drive. Park. Buckle up kids. Everything. And to top it all off... its cold season.

I love my job to pieces. Can't get enough of it most days. But I can't handle the revolving door of germs that comes with little children, school, and the cold winter months. I barely get a weeks break between stuffy noses and sore throats. I will admit I secretly love the beginning of a cold when you sneeze 100 times a day. Sneezing is one of my most favorite things to do. And if Nate is around I always get a "Bess you".

But...

I'm beginning to think I should carry around a vat of hand sanitizer wherever I go and insist that everyone I come in contact with use it first. I'm sure I could fashion some sort of belt attachment. How stylish!

All I know is that I want to go a full day without blowing my nose or coughing. And perhaps if I can make it to that early spring the groundhog predicted I can start blowing my nose for other reasons. Something worth while. Like allergies.

Turns out I'm not just getting these colds, I'm giving as well. My bad. But you know, I'm just doing as my mother taught. Sharing is caring. So...Who's next? Who wants a kiss?

Dating. I'd rather not.

Valentines Day. Gross. I've disliked this "holiday" for as long as I could remember. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was a very unfortunate looking child, or maybe because all my sisters were NOT unfortunate looking. Either way I didn't like it. It seemed made up and silly.

*side note* The only part I DID like is the double decker heart chocolate cake my mom makes and seeing as how I'll be no where near my mom, or said cake this year. I'm even more bitter.

Anyway. Its not that I'm one of those girls that feels the need to have someone or any of that. Because I'm not. In fact the past 4 valentine day's I was in relationships, but I just never felt the need to celebrate them.

Last year I picked out my own gift and made him pay for it.

The year before I insisted that nothing romantic or cheesy be done and that we sit and watch scary movies all night.

I think you see the trend.

Now, as much as I go on and on about how I enjoy being single and its the life for me, I'm sure some of you have noticed that when I look into the past most of it has been me, not single. Part of a unit. A "we", "us", "them". And I'll admit it, there was a long period in my life where I was never single. Bouncing from one relationship to the next uncomfortable with the thought of being an "I". But then Preston and I ended and I took a good hard look at our dead relationship (it had a long, slow, painful death) and I realized that even though I hadn't ever really been single, I hadn't ever really been IN a relationship either. I mean, I decided to pick up and move with only 2 weeks notice and willingly left Preston behind.

I was never particularly happy in my relationships, I always felt relief when they ended and no real sadness when I looked back at the demise. (to be completely honest when I looked hard enough I realized I did a lot to make sure that they ended. Sabotage. if you will.)

So here I sit. Thinking back on the past year, and realizing that I feel so much more fulfilled, happy, light, in my life now that I've been single. I've been on dates, contemplated some requests at more, and in the end, the only times I've been unhappy has resulted in those instances... When the inevitable drama hit when things didn't end up the way people wanted them to.

So this is my life. This is what I'm happy with. And I'm perfectly ok with that. I don't feel the need to delve into WHY I am this way. But I am. Maybe its my intense selfish drive, or my "youngest" syndrome and feelings like the world owes me everything... All I know is that I have nothing in me to give to someone for a full time committed relationship.

Plus, writing this and thinking about perhaps being in one.... Kinda made my tummy hurt. Or that could be the stomach bug going around my house.... I guess we'll never know.

Blissfully unaware

As I grow up I'm more and more aware of the fact that I prefer to live my life... blissfully unaware.

Unaware of what you ask? Well.... Lots of things.

• Terrible things in the news.
• drama with who my friends may or may not be dating, seeing, hanging out, sleeping with.
• politics
• and most importantly.... what anyone thinks of me.

None of those things particularly thrill me.... Most make me want to walk in the opposite direction and one may just give me the hives.

Does that make me any less of a mature adult? Does it make me a terrible friend? I really hope not. I like to think that if my friends need me to listen, be a shoulder to cry on, bury a dead body, I'd be there for them. No matter what. And perhaps thats what I'm really trying to get at.

If its big, and I mean BIG. Then I'm there. If its little, I'm there too.... but if its little, everyday, always, I struggle. Sometimes (and hopefully on a regular basis) I need a light hearted joke, a normalcy. Something that shows me that our friendship isn't solely based on your current life ending train wreck.

Sometimes I can be selfish. Sometimes I can be SUPER harsh (see last post) and sometimes I can be caring. I think all of those are normal human emotions. I am not a bad person if I experience any or all of them.

I don't really care what people think about me. At all actually. I know for a fact there are people out there that are not Laycee fans. I could probably name a few and give stats on them. But I wont because I don't care enough to let that bother me.

I also know for a fact that I have some big supporters (you guys rock!) and thats what I care about. The ones that love me. Don't judge me. And who get that everyone makes mistakes. Myself included.

I'm tired of hearing things about myself. Things that are not true. Things that couldn't be further from the truth. Whether people say them or not so be it.... I just don't want to hear it.

It doesn't get my anywhere and no one is going to profit from it.

I'd just hope that if you're out there and reading this.... that you're a Laycee fan. And you know that I love you and that I DO try to be a good friend.... So lets go bury a body....

Eh.

So I missed the whole weekend. I'd like to say its because I was doing totally awesome things and it was just WAY too much to blog but..... I slept. I woke up Saturday feeling a bit under the weather and it went down hill from there. So no blog. Plus this whole 30 day thing is starting to get boring. I don't get day 19. So..... I'm bailing. Its what I do best. Hence the reason I'm single. Haha.

Anyway. Onward and upward. Or down really.... A lot of things have been bugging me lately. And I've come to realize it has to do with just one person. And then it hit me. I'm dumb. haha. Let me explain....

A while back I had a friend.... things started to bother me more and more and I just didn't think the friendship was beneficial to anyone. Me especially. I needed out and I needed less drama. So I "friend dumped" them. I know that it sounds harsh but it needed to be done. So then a few months passed by.... and a few more... And I came across some old pictures/correspondence and I was definitely wearing my rose colored glasses. I couldn't remember what the big deal was... Why was I so adamant...? So I made amends. We started talking again and things were ok. And then I realized more and more why I stopped communication to begin with. And so begins my blog of rants...

I'm an optimistic person. I understand that not everyone is that way and that's fine. But I don't get the people that continuously make themselves a martyr and a victim. I've been known to have my own "charlie brown" (thanks Russ) like characteristics but I like to think I roll with the punches and laugh it off. And if someone hurts me I don't go back. Or at least I thought. Apparently I was wrong (see above.) But now I'm done. There's no need to subject myself to the endless whining and complaining when something can be done to change.

And there is only so much self destructive behavior I can handle before I want to pull my own hair out.... And its just starting to get long again! I'm beginning to see that as you grow up and move on with life there are some things that just don't last. Some people that just aren't good to have in your life and it doesn't mean that the memories you have are any less special or that at one point they weren't *something* to you. (yikes I sound like I just got out of a relationship. I guess this applies to that as well.)

All I know is that I'm so happy with the drama free life I lead right now. I have great friends and even more importantly I am ok being on my own. Alone. Its a fantastic feeling.

Now if only I could kick this cold.

Day 18

This next one can just go suck it. Why would I want to put a picture up of my biggest insecurity? Whatev. Here it is. My body. I wouldn't be a true girl if that weren't the case now would I?

day 18: a picture of your biggest insecurity.

day 18: a picture of your biggest insecurity,

Day 17

day 17: a picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

So I mean this in the most serious way possible. Moving here did impact my life. But in a good way. As I sat at lunch with Jake yesterday talking about the times and memories we had of living in Utah the past year we realized how much better off we both were now that we are here, not there. My life was going no where in Utah. I was working to many hours doing nothing and not getting anywhere. Here I am loving my job, starting school, and going places. My life has vastly improved. And in the mean time I have fallen in love with where I live. Now the picture is just to be funny. I've been watching a lot of Jersey Shore and when I googled pictures for New Jersey, I could not pass this one up. :)

Day 16

16: a picture of someone who inspires you. I really struggled with this one. I've become a bit jaded lately and I just don't have the energy to have faith or hope in humanity. Blah blah blah. I know I sound so winey. I'm sure I'll get over it. But my dad is awesome. The End.

Day 15

Day 15: a picture of something you want to do before you die.

Day 14

Day 14: A picture of someone you could never imagine life without.

I think this one is self explanatory.

Day 13

So I missed Day 13. But only because I was off doing MUCH better things. Like visiting Nik in the city. Plus being a day late seems to be my thing. So here goes...

Day 13: A picture of your favorite band/artist.

Maybe he's not my FAVORITE but he's pretty damn close. Plus he's just so DREAMY!

Day 12

Day 12: Something you love.

What's the best thing ever????

Turtles.

What could make a turtle even better then just actually being a turtle....

A tiny. baby. turtle.

I honestly dont think I could love anything more. I want him.

Day 11 and then some.

First things first. This one was EASY. And if you know me at all you know how easy it is for me.

Day 11: A picture of something you hate. Lets be honest. That wasn't a surprise to anyone. But funny side note... I found this picture on a Marijuana website. To all my pot head friends... That whipped cream is infused with weed. (My Weeds fanatic personality thinks this is AWESOME)

On to other things. I'm proud of myself for blogging almost everyday with this whole 30 day thing but its leaving something to be desired. Basically. I miss bitching. So here goes.

This week alone I have spent more time at the car dealership getting our cars serviced then any one human being ever should. And they are just pissing me right off. I could go into greater detail but I just don't think its good for my health to dwell on it anymore.

Life has been good since I got back to New Jersey. I did some life cleaning. Cleaned out my friends and my life. Feels good. I have an exuberant amount of "me" time now and I'm starting to relax. School starts next week and I'm very much looking forward to it. What I wouldn't give right now to just immerse myself in something like that.

I felt like I had a bunch more to write but I guess I don't. So I'll leave it at that.

Happy Friday everyone.

Day 10

I'm a little unsure of what this next one means.... So I'm going to assume it means just get into trouble/ cause mischief with.... And if that's the case....

Day 10: a picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

Jamaica here we come!!!

Day 9

So I get that Im still running a day behind but I'll try and catch up today. I've gotten sick and I just can't put my finger on what the issue is. So frustrating. Anyway. Here goes...

Day 9: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

If you haven't known me long enough to know this guy... You're missing out. He's solid. It's been a few years since I've last seen him (this trip to Chicago to be exact) but he's always there via phone call or text... last night for example when I was so sick I couldn't help but just weep.

Day 8

Day 8: A picture that makes you laugh.

Well maybe I should have been better prepared and read ahead a little and I would have saved the Pope picture for day 8 but.... Whatever. I can find lots of other funny pictures...

Like this one. Definitely makes me laugh, hard, every time I see it. Love that boy.

Day 7.

Day 7 posted on day 8. I suck. get over it....

Day 7: A picture of your most treasured item.

I know it sounds superficial and worldly but I worked hard to earn the money for it and I love it.

Day 6ish

So its 12:38 am.... technically I missed Sunday but whatev. Its my game I make the rules...

Day 6: A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

Ok, so this one was really hard for me. I really love my life and I don't think I would want anyone else's. There are a lot of people I wish I could see more often and so maybe if I could be the pope for a day I could make that happen. Plus this picture is just funny.

Day 5

Day 5: A picture of your favorite memory.

I don't know if I could say without a doubt that this was my favorite... but its pretty close. The middle east with my best friend for 17 days. Life doesn't get much better.

Day 4

day 4: a picture of your favorite night

Day 3

Day 3: a picture of the cast from your favorite tv show

Totally obsessed.

Day 2

Day 2: a picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Nyna. My BFFBB. (best friend forever before boobies)

Through thick and thin... No matter where we end up. I love you Nyna.

I can be another fool... or an exception to the rule. You tell me... the morning after.

Sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I make big fat huge mistakes. I'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be. Nor do I expect people in my life to be perfect either. This weekend was a weekend of... fun. misery. awakening. and learning. I'm completely different now. How ironic that it happened at the new year. I came across this on a friends facebook and decided maybe it would be a good way to rediscover who I am and what I want. So if you're interested... Stay tuned the next 30 days...

Day 1: A picture of yourself with 10 facts.

1. I'm told I look like my father, which I couldn't enjoy more.

2. I don't ever see myself getting married or having children

3. I want to be a teacher who lives in foreign countries during the summers.

4. I am loud, obnoxious, and annoying and enjoy every moment.

5. I'm a workaholic.

6.I have an obsession (sometimes an unhealthy one) with turtles.

7. I love my family fiercely.

8. I write letters to everyone in my life. Constantly. I have never delivered any of them. I have many notebooks full.

9. My favorite holiday is Forth of July.

10. I'm so over winter.